I have always struggled with public attention. By this I mean, I don’t want it. Zero, all eyes off, look the other way idiots and leave me to my hole that I desperately wish to crawl further into. When I was young, I was in the church choir, dance, piano, etc. I always feared the time in each one of these different activities where I would have to “perform”. When I say feared, I do mean feared. I would dread it from the time it was mentioned and wouldn’t let go of that fear until the whole horrible event was over and done with. I was in piano at two different times in my life. Both times I remember being so afraid of the piano recital, I would dream of horrific events that could possibly happen so that I could get out of it. My first recital was fine, even though I was nervous, I made it through and don’t remember too many surprises that happened along the way. My other recital was a different story. I was in junior high and my teacher had known me from birth. I guess she though this gave her full access to do as she saw fit, no matter how embarrassing. She would always have me sing the scales as a warm up before beginning the session. I never liked doing it but it was just the two of us so it wasn’t so bad. To my horror she apparently thought I needed to do this at the recital in front of a man I didn’t know, whom by the way, was extreamly critical. Needless to say, I quit piano within weeks.
There are many other “performance” stores just like the one above, some worse than others, but all scarring just the same. As I’ve gotten older I’ve avoided, somehow, being in situations where I’ve had to do or say anything in front of a group of people. I stupidly thought that my fear had diminished, but this was all a pipe dream. The only thing that happened is that my fear got worse. I found this out during a work seminar that I was required to attend. I was a little nervous to begin with because I was told by some of my co-workers that upon the first 1/2 hour or so you were asked to get up and introduce yourself and tell a little about yourself so that everyone could get to know you. I tried to prepare myself. I assured myself that this was no big deal, no one knows me, no one particuarly likes speaking in front of people and I would do it and life would go on. I’ll cut to the chase because all the little stuff really doesn’t matter. When it came down to it, I couldn’t do it, I had to leave. I got up in the middle of someone else introducing themself, made my way to the back of the room where I told one of the hosts of the seminar that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t think I would make it through the introductions. She was sympathetic, thinking I had some virus and excused me. I went in the bathroom and sat in one of the stalls for at least 30 minutes until I knew it had to be over and there would be no way of me being called out. The fear was incredible. I begain to sweat, see black spots and was certain that I was going to faint. My palms were wet and my head and neck started to shake like I had palsey. I had to remove myself, there was no other way.
On the upside of this, I recently went to another seminar for work and knew that I was going to have to do the same thing at this one. I began preparing myself for it the day I was told I would have to go. I thought about it constantly, I thought about ways to get out of it, calling out and refusing to go, coming down with some horrible case of the “whatevers”, getting to the meeting late, getting up during the middle like the last seminar, etc. What I did in the end was talk myself into doing it. I reasoned with myself and thought about how simple it was and how fast it would be over. I didn’t talk about it publically with my co-workers like I had in the past, because I felt that speaking out loud about it just intestified the fear. End the end, I said my name, what location of the company I was from, how long I’d been there and what I hoped to learn from the seminar that day, all without even seeming nervous. I did however have bouts of the “palsey” that afflicts me when I’m nervous. It usually happens when I attempt to take a drink from a glass and as the glass is about to touch my lips, my head shakes. It’s all mental and I know this, but I can’t stop it from happening. I wonder, will I ever be normal? Is there something off in my brain? Can this be tweaked so that I can stop avoiding things in my life and instead thrive and not live in fear? I hope so because it is crippling. I was recently told that I may be up for promotion. I was thrilled! Then I was told that if I was given the promotion I would have to go to many manager meetings, role play at these meetings, etc. Suddenly I was little again and was trying to climb farther and farther into the hole that I so desperately want to stay in. I don’t know if I can do this, I thought. I can’t take this job, I’ll be found out as a freak who can’t say her name in public and has the “head and neck shakes” when taking a drink. Good grief, I’ll have to quit my job and find something else. But who knows what would be expected of me at another job and what if I have to leave that one too?!? It ’s a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to stop. I just hope that someday I can get over this obstacle and move on with my life. Living in fear is not living.
